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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 5, 2014 6:54pm-7:27pm PDT

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then a new threat in the war on terror. but i haven't finished cleaning my pants from the last threat! (laughter) and my guest doris kearns goodwin has written a book about the relationship between teddy roosevelt and william howard taft, soon to be a film starring james franco and seth rogen. (laughter) authorities in california are searching for a dangerous escaped albino cobra. though, to be safe, police have arrested seven "black" cobras. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." welcome to "the report." (cheers and applaus captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen")
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome! thank you for joining us, folks! i hope everyone at home can hear the precision of that chanting. that is what we call in the pundit business the metro no, ma'am of love! (cheers and applause) folks, far too often, i sit at this desk and yell into that camera as the epitome of an angry american. you deserve more than that. so tonight, i am the epitome of an angry irish catholic american. (cheering) tell 'em why, jim. >> organizers of the annual st. patrick's day parade here in new york, the largest in the world, say they will now allow gays to march next year under their own banner for the first time.
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>> in the past, groups had been prohibited from marching with banners identifying them as gay. >> stephen: gays in the st. patrick's day parade! we irish shoulda seen this coming. first they stole our rainbows. next they'll be coming after me lucky charms! (cheers and applause) i'm not only a proud irish catholic, i'm as straight as they come. i even made sure the blarney stone wasn't a dude before i kissed it. (laughter) and, at first, i liked the idea of making gays march with a banner identifying themselves. (laughter) but luckily, before i became too okay with it, fox news told me i was outraged. >> the catholic community up in arms over gay groups being allowed in this year's st. patrick's day parade. >> there's an outcry from the catholic community this morning. >> there is outrage this morning from some catholic leaders because a gay group will march
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in the st. patrick's valen -- uh -- st. patrick's day parade. >> stephen: see? steve doocy's so mad, he can't even say a coherent sentence on camera. (laughter) (applause) he's clearly been furious about this for years! and remember, this is catholic -- and remember, they said catholic leaders. he probably means bill donohue, head of the ultra-conservative catholic league, who said there was "no controversy." (laughter) okay. that outrage was more nuanced than i expected, but he's not an official leader of the church. you know, cardinal timothy dolan's got his chausable in a bunch. bless 'em a new one, timmy! >> i think the decision they've made is a wise one. i have no trouble with the decision at all. >> stephen: huh! i guess he's so angry he forgot to be mad. (laughter) okay.
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well, i suppose you're in, gays. but we catholics have one firm demand. >> the catholic league says it hopes new entries to the parade will conduct themselves in a manner that still honors st. patrick. >> stephen: you listening, gays? this isn't one of your degenerate pride parades. keep it dignified. you know, like this! (guys yelling) >> st. paddy's day, a day to get (bleep) trashed. >> stephen: ahh, i love riverdance! (laughter) folks, it's officially fall, which means we are in the homestretch to the 2014 mid term elections, and i am bursting with mid-thusiasm. (laughter) in just 62 days, americans nationwide will wake up and say, "dammit. i forgot to vote yesterday ." (laughter) so tonight, we celebrate the "launch" of our coverage by
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bringing out the u.s.s. democracy 2014 and christening her with a bottle of champagne. (cheers and applause) though america be rocked by troubled waters, she is yet sturdy and proud. long may she sail! (cheers and applause) (chanting "u.s.a. " ) >> stephen: thank you. it's time for "the colbert report" mid-term roundup!
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>> yee-haw! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: as always, a hearty thanks to my good friend steve carell for letting us reuse that footage without his knowledge or consent. first up, folks, this is the most important mid-term in mid-memory, and not just because i can't remember the last one. and you can tell the democrats are running scared because they've begun activating their base. the lady voters. just look at cosmo, which announced they will be covering the mid-term elections with "a new effort that will include candidate endorsements" in an attempt "to get readers to the polls and be part of" the party of the year ." i just hope cosmo's election advice is just as misguided as their sex advice -- enter the
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booth, wrap one leg behind your head, rub some hot sauce on the lever and then... (whistle) pinky up his butt. (cheering) now, this is clearly going to increase voter turnout, so i've got some cosmo advice of my own. hello, ladies. i know you are being encouraged to become politically engaged, but let me tell you, girlfriend, those curtains don't look good on anyone. it's basically like wearing a booth muumuu. plus, all anyone's gonna be looking at your calves. what if you have cankles? and if you don't know whether you have cankles -- (cheering) don't vote. which brings me to the first race you should not vote in -- the house race in georgia's tenth district, where right-wing
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pastor and radio host jody hice has all but guaranteed a win by building a diverse coalition of people he doesn't want in his coalition. so far, he's "compared being gay to alcoholism, drug addiction, tendencies to lie and to be violent," he has said a woman can enter politics as long as she's "within the authority of her husband," and said muslims don't deserve first amendment rights. (audience reacts) i agree. muslims do not deserve freedom of speech. they would just use it to offend women and gay people, and hice already has that covered. and jody hice knows a thing or two about the constitution, and he isn't afraid to tell you about it while holding a scroll in a foyer. >> when our founders convened at the constitutional convention in philadelphia in 1787, they crafted, i believe with god's help, the most brilliant governing document in the history of humanity ." >> stephen: that's right. the founders got their ideas directly from god. (laughter)
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i believe it was yawheh who wrote thomas jefferson's famous line, "i loves me some brown sugar!" (cheering) but now hice is under attack by the buzz-kills at buzz-feed who have discovered that many of the inspirational quotes from founding fathers on his facebook page" are fake." for example, hice's page says jefferson wrote, "that government is best which governs the least because its people discipline themselves," even though it was actually henry david thoreau, who lived alone at walden pond, so i'm sure he engaged in furious "self-discipline." and hice also attributed the inspirational quote "if your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader" to john quincy adams, although it's actually from dolly parton. (laughter) it's easy to mistake those two,
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especially after john quincy adams got those implants. (laughter) hice has used so many misattributions that buzzfeed found eight examples of the fraudulent quotes before they "stopped looking." (laughter) wow. there's your headline -- buzzfeed stopped looking for examples of something? that raise as troubling question -- could there also be more than "13 potatoes that look like channing tatum?" (laughter) nation, i "like" what hice is doing on facebook, and not just because "liking" is the only option on facebook. those quotes may not have come from our founding fathers, but does it really matter? it's like george washington said at valley forge, "close enough for jazz. vote hice 2014 ." (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. ♪
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and i smoked while i was pregnant. my baby was born two months early and weighed only 3 pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is: speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now
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no! could have gotten me one. i did. grab a spicy smoked sausage breakfast sandwich. it's the smoked sausage you crave, now spicy. t-mobile's network has more data capacity than verizon or at&t.
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it's a network designed differently. a network designed data strong. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) nation, there are so many awful stories in the news right now, and with chaos and violence raging in every corner of the globe, it makes you wonder, whatever happened to al quaida? (laughter) today, we got an answer. >> breaking overnight, a new video from the leader of al quaida. >> according to the video announcement, al quaida is vowing to bring islamic law to india.
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>> the head of al quaida says he's opening a new branch in india. >> stephen: yes, al quaida's opening a franchise in india. (laughter) they're like starbucks, only with less ambitious plans for global domination. (laughter) the announcement came from longtime al quaida leader and jihadi smurf ayman al-zawahiri, who released a video calling on muslims across the indian subcontinent to join the "caravan of jihad." that caravan is easy to spot -- just look for the trucks with 72 virgins on the mudflaps. (laughter) look, i get why al quaida is outsourcing to india -- they're a global terror organization. they have their one true prophet margins to think about, and they have been running on a shoestring budget for so long, they've never even had a christmas party. (laughter) but i think i know what's really going on here. >> i think they're trying to reclaim some mantel of leadership here. i.s.i.s. was kicked out for
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being too brutal, and they've sort of taken the world stage, and everyone's talking about them and no one's talking about al quaida, so this is probably at least part an attempt to regain some notoriety. >> stephen: ooh ooh, someone's jeal-ous of i.s.i.s.! they're the mysterious new kid in town and everyone's talking about him. just like kevin bacon in footloose. only i.s.i.s. wants to outlaw dancing -- and bacon. (laughter) i.s.i.s. is the "it" jihady group right now. they've got an entire caliphate, while all of ayman's guys are still doing monkey bars. that's not a long-term plan! what if you take over a city without a jungle gym? how will you get around? worse, i.s.i.s. has taken the lead in the arena most associated with the oppressive
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seventh-century ideologies, youtube. >> we all remember those grainy amateurish videos that bin laden made that looked like it was set up by somebody who didn't know what they were doing in long-winded arabic that nobody in the west could understand. now we have i.s.i.s. on twitter, on instagram, on what's app, they produce slick videos. >> they're highly produced, they've got music, graphics, all sorts of things put into the screen that are sophisticated and technical. >> they've got young tech-savvy guys doing it. >> stephen: yes, i.s.i.s. is cranking out more viral hits than funny or die. (laughter) minus the first part. (laughter) meanwhile, al quaida's still mailing out betamax tapes of "grandpa kill-'em-all" droning on about "a fatwa on pudding skin! "and" death to whoever canceled matlock!" (laughter) yes! yes! the terrorists have won!
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my guest tonight is a pulitzer prize-winning presidential historian whose book is "the bully pulpit." i'll introduce her to the bully pundit. please welcome doris kearns goodwin! (cheers and applause) doris, good to see you again. always a pleasure. a world renown historian and pulitzer prize-winning author. your most recent book is the boobully pulpit. also in ken burns new 14-hour documentary about the roosevelts, okay? (cheers and applause) okay. >> you're going to tease me about something, i have a feeling. >> stephen: i'm going to interview you, all right? (laughter) you get to interview people, now the tables have turned. you can't tell because it's a round table. (laughter) all right. why, today, should we care about teddy roosevelt and william howard taft? what does their story have to do
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with us today? they're coming from a time where there were very, very rich people who controlled politics, and lots of people who didn't have a lot of po power and whose worker rights were being taken away. what does that say to us? >> nothing (laughter) no, think about it. there's a gap between the rich and poor, people working 12 hours a day, unsanitary meat-packing plants and my guy teddy takes it on. he realizes the rich won't stay rich. there will be socialists and anarchists. >> stephen: he was rich. he was. >> stephen: why would he turn on his own class like that? >> because he realized if he didn't do something to softton industrial order, the whole thing would fall apart. >> stephen: he was frightened of the poor people with pitch forks. >> he was frightened of the rich people that they would take everything over and knew for the sake of the country the rock of
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class hatred would be the worst thing that could happen to the country. so he wanted a square deal, not a round table, a square deal, and it was great. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay. speaking of bloated rich people, william howard taft. all right? (laughter) teddy roosevelt did a few things -- gave us national parks, right, like yellow stone, yosemite, that kind of stuff. what did taf do i should ever care about. >> he was for making the rich pay, if they did something unethical, they should have a fine, be put in jail. poor people, if they didn't work, that's a problem, but give them a chance, give them an education. >> stephen: they were republicans, right? >> they were. today, conservatives would say they're republicans in name only. rhinos, right?
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(laughter) >> stephen: they also call this the golden age of journalism. you mean like hirsch who single-handedly started the spanish war and went up the hill. >> he was, but there are other people i love. what they do is investigative reporting that really exposes what's wrong with the country. the country gets excited, push the old guard in congress to do something, they mobilize action. >> stephen: congress does something? >> congress finally does something! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're talking about massive 50,000 word articles. >> and people read them and talk about them and push congress and say you've got to act. >> stephen: why would they read a 50,000 word article? couldn't they just click on the 13 potatoes that look like --
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(laughter) you know i spend my show trying to make the world a better place. >> yes. >> stephen: and i realize this is probably the last time you're on the show and i i've apologized to you before. >> i know. my picture is up there and you say something sexual -- (laughter) >> stephen: i don't remember that! >> you do say, my apologize to doris kearns goodwin. >> stephen: is it accepted? i'll miss it if you don't keep doing it. >> stephen: i'll call you up and apologize. since you are the preimminent historian of our time, i ask you the question i want to ask you from the beginning -- >> huh-oh. >> stephen: -- george w. bush, great president... or the greatest president? (cheers and applause) >> i remember one other time i was on and you said, why
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couldn't abraham lincoln unify the country the way george w. bush has done? and i said, he did unify the country, what are you talking about? and you said, ma'am, i'm from south carolina, he didn't unify me. (laughter) >> stephen: great or greatest? i only have those two. to get graded by a computer, i have to put one of those. >> i take the fifth amendment. >> stephen: all right. all right. i'll see you in guantanamo. (laughter) doris, thank you so much! doris kearns goodwin! (cheers and applause) sweet! spicy! savory! enjoy it all... 'cause red lobster's one and only endless shrimp is now! endless choices! endless variety! kick it up with our spicy new
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find rebates that make equipment upgrades more affordable. even develop a customized energy plan for your company. think of it as a way to take more control over your operating costs. and yet another energy saving opportunity from pg&e. find new ways to save energy and money with pg&e's business energy check-up. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (cheers and applause) [ male announcer ] welcome to no man's land.
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it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner. toyota. let's go places. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon
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stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. adam levine of maroon 5 will be here tonight. the mid-term elections are coming up. it's like that moment you're about to smell vomit but you haven't yet vomited. almost every incumbent will win their race, especially in the house, which means all eyes are in the senate. will the democrats retain control? [audience member screams] [laughter] obviously someone in the audience tonight not familiar with the rhetorical question. perhaps sofo

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